Human Pacifier

I been breastfeeding for almost 9 months, and everything is good. However, I turned into her human pacifier. It started when she was around 7 months old. I was really tired one night, so when she woke up I laid her next to me in my bed and latched her on and went to sleep. When I woke up, I would put her back into her bed and that’s how the vicious cycle began. I knew she wasn’t waking up to eat, because as soon as she latched on, she would fall back asleep. She just needed me for comfort.

I know some moms wouldn’t see a problem in this, but our 6 year old already has problems sleeping on her own. She’ll start off in her bed, but will sneak into our room in the middle of the night. When she doesn’t have school, I gave up on arguing and she’s allowed to sleep with us from the start. Although we have a king sized bed, my back hurts in the morning because I’m in the middle of two kids. Plus, my husband and I just want our bed back. We want that space to be just ours again. I was a human pacifier to my first daughter and she still has sleeping problems 6 years later, so I’m trying something new this time around.

My baby’s bed used to be right next to me, but I just moved it back into her room, which she shares with her sister. I figured since my oldest doesn’t even sleep in there, it shouldn’t be a problem if my baby cries because I’m not giving in. I have already prepared myself mentally for this. I even told my friend about it in case she tries to hang out with me and I look like crap because I’m exhausted.

I already put her down to sleep, so all I can do is pray for patience, and hope that this goes by quickly.

Breastfeeding Woes

I breastfed my oldest until she was 9 months old. She refused the bottle, so I couldn’t pump and have my husband or someone else feed her. It was all me. She only wanted me. It was a tiring 9 months. I couldn’t have alone time without worrying if she was giving my husband a hard time.

I feel like it’s happening all over again. I guess my boobs are so comforting that my kids don’t want anything else. They don’t even want to self soothe themselves with a pacifier or their thumb. They feed, then use me as a pacifier. I want to feel normal again, but I don’t want to stop breastfeeding. I want to do both.

I’m going start today. I bought Tommee Tippee bottles. They’re known to be the best bottles to switch between breast and bottle. “Closer to Nature” is what it says on the box. More than a few moms recommended this brand to me in a breastfeeding support group on Facebook. The one thing that all those moms said to me was to never give up. It’s going to be hard, but don’t give up, she’ll eventually get it. I’m nervous, and yet excited that it might just work.

Yesterday, pediatrician recommended waking her up after feeding, and letting her fall back asleep on her own in her bed. She said she’s so used to falling asleep at my nipple that when she wakes in the middle the night and realizes I’m not with her, she starts crying, which explains her still waking up every hour. The past two weeks have been exhausting for me. It’s like I have a newborn all over again. I don’t know what happened. She was sleeping 6-7 hours each night. It was getting better. Then all of a sudden, bam! She started waking up every hour. Last night was pretty rough. She went to bed at 10pm. Woke up at 1am, and every hour after that. I almost cried.

Anyways, she’s finally napping, (if only she slept like this at night), and I just pumped. Not as much as I wanted to, but it’s something and a good start, so if she refuses it, at least I’m not wasting a whole lot. I don’t want to stop breastfeeding completely. I just want her to want the bottle as well so I can finally relax once in a while.

Taking my oldest out to lunch and cruise around for a bit, then when we get home, I’ll try. Whew! Wish me luck.

The Selfish Mom

Last night, I broke down. I was sitting on my bed, in the dark, breastfeeding my daughter. I started crying, but quietly so my husband wouldn’t hear me. I don’t even know what happened. My daughter stayed up later than her usual bedtime, I was trying to put her down to sleep, and everything that has been on my mind just came flowing all at the same time.

When I had my first daughter, I breastfed her until she was 9 months old. I felt absolutely horrible for feeling like I didn’t have a life, and here I am feeling the exact same way. Feeling like I won’t have time for myself. Feeling like my husband loves that he doesn’t have to do anything, because I’m breastfeeding, so all he has to do is watch her when I shower, and even then it seems like it’s a burden to him. I hate asking him for help because I feel like I’m being unreasonable. He works all day, and I’m the stay-at-home mom. It’s MY job to take care of the kids, not his.

Is it unreasonable for me to feel like I need “me time”. Am I being selfish?

She won’t take the bottle. My husband once said that she screamed for 2 hours until she finally cried herself to sleep. The past few days I have been looking up bottles that are known to be great for breastfed babies. I mentioned it to my husband and he seemed uninterested, or like we didn’t need those bottles. I know there’s a possibility that it might be a waste of money, because she might not even take it, but I believe it’s worth a try.

It’s the little things that I want. I want to be able to go and do my nails, get a haircut, get my eyebrows threaded, or go play bingo with my friends without feeling worried if my husband is having a hard time with my daughter because she won’t eat, or she just wants mommy. The second I get out of the shower and get dressed, I ask if he wants me to take her and without hesitation he passes her over to me. I can’t even sit and watch TV without having my daughter with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my children with my life! I just think one can break down without having a little alone time. It’s like my daughter is a clothing accessory of mine. She’s always with me. I plan on what to wear knowing I’m going to have the ergo carrier on, and I need to wear something comfortable.

I feel like I’m a horrible mother for feeling this way. I feel like I shouldn’t want “me time”, and I should want spend every single minute of my days with her. I shouldn’t be thinking of myself. I am a selfish mom.