Growing Old

So I’m a 34 year old stay at home mom. When I was in high school, I never once thought I would be staying home watching my kids in my 30s.

Don’t get me wrong. I love being able to raise my children myself. I made this choice. With all these crazy people in the world, it’s hard to trust anyone to watch your kids.

The thing is, I’m 34 years old, trying to finish up my masters program, but yet I haven’t been in the workforce since 2008! I feel like a loser with barely any work experience.

My current dilemma: we can’t afford for me to finish up my masters degree, but yet I don’t wanna put my youngest in day care.

Then there’s my self-love. I been losing a lot of love myself lately. I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror. When I do, I feel like I don’t recognize myself. I literally feel disgust. I remember when I was 18, I hated wearing makeup and I loved my natural look. Now, I can’t stand my face without makeup.

Then there’s the metabolism. Like why can’t I just eat a damn pizza and still fit into my jeans?

I hate this feeling of being lost. I’m 34 and I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. With a new house and new bills, I want to help out. I wish we had family to watch my baby.

I Love Being a Mommy, But …

I am a mommy to two beautiful girls. Both kids were planned, so they were both totally our decision. Well, I convinced my husband to go along with my decision. Hehe. Naturally, the first one was hard. Being a new parent has so many challenges full of laughs and tears. When I finally decided to have a second child, I already knew of the struggles that came with being a mom, and I figured it wasn’t going to be as hard as it was with the first one since I was a so-called experienced parent. Well apparently, with each new kid comes new challenges that add onto the old challenges. I love my daughters, and I love being their mommy. However, there are some things that I do miss before I became a parent.

#1. I love being a mommy, but I miss my alone time. There is not a single second in my day where I am alone. I have either one or both of my daughters with me 24/7. While I’m cooking, I have the baby pulling on my shorts. I have an audience when I’m on the toilet. The baby puts eyeliner in her mouth while I’m putting on my makeup. My oldest wants me to talk to her while she’s in the shower, while my baby wants to be in my lap. You get the idea. I’m never alone.

#2. I love being a mommy, but I miss uninterrupted sleep. I remember before kids, I could go to sleep whenever I wanted to, and wake up whenever I wanted to. Now, I have to wait until the baby is asleep so I can shower, relax, then go to bed. I get to sleep for a few hours until the baby wakes up crying because of God knows why. Then after waking up every 2-3 hours, I have to finally get up to do my oldest’s hair and make sure she leaves on time for school. I’m tired.

#3. I love being a mommy, but I miss eating food in peace. Both eating at home and eating out is not easy anymore. I never know what mood the baby will be in. Will she let me eat? Will she sit by herself and feed herself? Or Will she start crying and end up in my lap while I feed her as well as try to feed myself? To add onto that, I need to make sure my oldest even eats at all. Will we start arguing about how much more bites she should take? And will she start arguing with me about how she deserves to eat dessert afterwards? After eating, I’m either still hungry because I didn’t get to eat, or I’m full because I inhaled my food.

#4. I love being a mommy, but I miss going shopping without little ones bothering me. The oldest constantly bugs me about buying her something, and when I tell her no she starts whining or sometimes even crying over it. The baby doesn’t know what she wants. She cries in the carrier, cries in the wagon, then cries to get down when I try to hold her in one hand and push the wagon in the other. I start sweating, because I have so much going on, and wonder if everyone can see the sweat glistening on my forehead. My mind starts going back and forth about whether I should just put everything away and just go home, or just say F it and everyone can just deal with my kids being loud.

#5. I love being a mommy, but I miss being with my husband. I think this is the biggest thing that I miss. I could go on and on about what I miss, but these are the top things. I miss sleeping in the bed with my husband … alone. For the past 6 years, we’ve had a kid in our bed. My oldest sneaks into our bed in the middle of the night every day. She does it every night, so we always expect it. Then there’s my baby. She can sleep on her own, however, when she wakes up in the middle of the night, she needs me there to comfort and pat her back. She has her phases; sometimes she’ll sleep with me in our bed (yup, including our oldest, all four of us are sleeping in our bed), and other times she wants to camp out in the living room. Basically, I never get to sleep with my husband. We never go to bed at the same time, and I don’t remember the last time we cuddled. We don’t even cuddle while watching TV. One of the kids will come in between us. I see my husband every day. We talk every day. We kiss each other hi and bye everyday. But I still miss him.

Being a parent is such a wonderful thing, but I can’t help but miss the little things.

Human Pacifier No More: Day 9

I only did two days last week, and I blame that on sleep deprivation. I totally underestimated this whole process. I know everyone says that no two babies are the same, but I always find myself comparing my two daughters. I figured that since it took my oldest one week to wean from breastfeeding, that it will take about a week to transition my youngest into her bed with no nighttime mommy pacifier. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Last week, there was one day where she slept for four hours straight before waking up, and it only took a minute to rock her back to sleep. I felt good when I woke up in the morning. We went to the beach that day, I remember joking with my friend that I was only going to get one good night. That joke turned into a reality. I been having horrible sleep since then.

I went out with friends last week Friday. My husband said he had no trouble putting her to bed, and she slept for SIX hours straight!! He even woke up with her and rocked her back to sleep. WHAT THE??…. Then I thought to myself, maybe it was only uphill from there. Wrong again.

This past Monday night has been the worst yet. She was waking up every one to two hours, and when she would wake up I could not rock her back to sleep. She was kicking and screaming so much that I would give up and go into the living room and turn on the TV. I would sit there watching Nick @ Nite while trying to rock or pat her back. After an hour, she would finally give in and go to sleep. When I woke up Tuesday morning, I already knew I was going to have a horrible day.

Today is Thursday, almost a whole two weeks of this transition, and there is no hope. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel just yet. I’m so desperate for sleep that I’m debating on throwing in the towel. We shall see…..

Human Pacifier No More: Day 1

**My daughter using me as a pacifier: Human Pacifier

Last night wasn’t that bad, but I think that was because I had mentally prepared myself for a sleepless night. The whole day I was a little nervous, because I love my sleep; without it I get grouchy, develop a pounding headache, and I walk around talking gibberish not able to really focus.

11:30pm: She finally went to sleep. She’s usually a late sleeper, which I don’t mind, because I’m a late sleeper as well. Put her into her bed, woke up my 6-year-old, who fell asleep on the couch, and walked her to her bed. Baby girl’s bed used to be right next to my side of the bed, but tonight, I moved it into my 6-year-old’s room. We only have two bedrooms. Joys of base housing.

2:30am: Baby girl woke up crying. Three hours, not bad. Walked into her room and saw her standing up crying. I rocked her for a few minutes and put her back down.

5:30am: Woke up crying. Three hours again, not bad. Walked in to see her standing up and crying again. I thought it was going to take only a few minutes again, but nope. This time, she wasn’t having it. She would cry just a few seconds after I would put her down. Took me 30 minutes to finally put her down without her fussing.

6:30am: She woke up crying. This time, I was sleeping for only 30 minutes. My husband was already awake getting ready for work, so I figured I just wake her up instead of rocking her back to sleep. Picked her up from her bed and went into the living room. She was surprisingly in a good mood considering she barely got any sleep. She was playing with her toys and smiling.

7:00am: Fed her some breakfast; a mixture of dry cereal and apples, bananas, and plums.

8:00am: Breastfeed her, and she is now sleeping. I debated if I should take a nap too, because I feel like I’m drugged, but my oldest is already awake and I don’t feel like leaving her when she just woke up. So instead, I drank some shakeology, and now I’m enjoying a cup of coffee. I’m praying that I’m not a total zombie today.

Human Pacifier

I been breastfeeding for almost 9 months, and everything is good. However, I turned into her human pacifier. It started when she was around 7 months old. I was really tired one night, so when she woke up I laid her next to me in my bed and latched her on and went to sleep. When I woke up, I would put her back into her bed and that’s how the vicious cycle began. I knew she wasn’t waking up to eat, because as soon as she latched on, she would fall back asleep. She just needed me for comfort.

I know some moms wouldn’t see a problem in this, but our 6 year old already has problems sleeping on her own. She’ll start off in her bed, but will sneak into our room in the middle of the night. When she doesn’t have school, I gave up on arguing and she’s allowed to sleep with us from the start. Although we have a king sized bed, my back hurts in the morning because I’m in the middle of two kids. Plus, my husband and I just want our bed back. We want that space to be just ours again. I was a human pacifier to my first daughter and she still has sleeping problems 6 years later, so I’m trying something new this time around.

My baby’s bed used to be right next to me, but I just moved it back into her room, which she shares with her sister. I figured since my oldest doesn’t even sleep in there, it shouldn’t be a problem if my baby cries because I’m not giving in. I have already prepared myself mentally for this. I even told my friend about it in case she tries to hang out with me and I look like crap because I’m exhausted.

I already put her down to sleep, so all I can do is pray for patience, and hope that this goes by quickly.

Life of a Stay at Home Mom

Ever since my oldest was born over 6 years ago, I found myself trying to prove to others that my days are busy. I may not have a regular job, but being a stay-at-home mother is a job too. People who think this life is a piece of cake seriously needs to spend a day in one of our shoes. Better yet, try to do what we do all by yourself. 

Here’s an example of what us stay-at-home moms go through: 

1. You never wake up on your own. For some reason, babies and kids wake up super early and their energy level goes from zero to ten in seconds. Just the other morning, my 6 year old kept waking me up telling me the time. “Mommy, it’s 7:05. Mommy, it’s 7:30. Mommy, it’s 7:45.” Eventually, you give up and get out of bed. 

2. The kids never know what they want to eat. Breakfast and lunch is always a struggle. Even the baby decides she doesn’t want the jar of bananas and strawberries even though she ate it yesterday. My 6 year old is famous for asking me to cook her something, then when it’s sitting in front of her, she doesn’t want it anymore. Drives me crazy. 

3. House chores are never ending. You find yourself cleaning the same area at least ten times a day. Nothing stays clean for a whole day. You can’t clean the house without someone bothering you or someone crying. I find myself rushing so I can be done before the baby starts crying, and she crawls now, so she crawls after me while crying. It’s not nice. 

4. Cartoons are on the television all day. In our house, nick jr. is on all day until my husband comes home and changes the channel. I choose not to hear my daughter whine about why she can’t watch Team Umizoomi, so I leave it on that channel. I know most of the theme songs to the shows, and I even have favorite cartoons and shows that I don’t mind watching. 

5. Mommy breakdowns. Enough said. If I’m lucky I’ll have just one during the week. You can hold on to your sanity for only so long. Last week, my baby was so clingy to me. She cried the second I put her down. All I heard was crying while I did things around the house. Then add on my 6 year old complaining about everything, and crying because she feels sorry for her baby sister. I remember thinking, “You feel sorry for her?!!” I lost it and started crying. Yup, and I was just making all 3 of us lunch. 

6. Everyone comes first. No matter how exhausted you are you never stop thinking of the kids. My baby is super clingy so I’m pretty much the only person that watches her; I really don’t have time to myself. No matter how drained I am, physically and mentally, I always make sure my kids and husband are happy. Even when I just mention that I should get a few hours to myself I feel guilty. 

7. Your bedtime is the kids’ bedtime. Alright some mothers clean and what not, but I clean before, so I can go straight to bed. Since my husband has work in the morning he goes to bed earlier than we do, so I’m usually cleaning by myself. Since it’s summertime now, I had to put both kids to bed. My 6 year old fell asleep next to me while I was breastfeeding. I had to practically drag her to her room. Then I had to pat the baby’s back like 50 times before she finally was in a deep sleep. 

8. You have a million “to-do’s” in your mind while in bed. You go to bed at a certain time but you don’t fall asleep until two hours later. Worrying about the kids, doctor appointments, laundry, grocery shopping, what to make for dinner, if you’ll have time to exercise, the dishes you forgot to wash before bed, getting angry because you know your husband won’t do it in the morning, figuring out activities for your oldest to do so she’s not bored, and hoping for no mommy breakdowns. You finally drift asleep two hours later. 

Then your kid alarm clock wakes you and you do it all over again. 7 days a week. If you’re lucky, you get about 3-4 hours a week to yourself. You complain to your girlfriends and the other moms of how you’re tired and how you don’t feel appreciated. Then your baby makes you smile and you know it’s all worth it. 

Motherhood in a Month: June 13th

8:25am: Baby woke me up. She was in a good mood, and so was I since she let me wake up later than usual. Anything later than 7am is sleeping in to me. Hubby and I were up late with friends. They left around 2:30am, and we went to bed shortly after. I woke up still feeling tired, and with a little headache; probably from all the margaritas I had last night. Despite the lack of sleep and the small hangover, I still felt ok. After I had my shakeology and coffee, I felt a little better.

It’s 10:41am now and I still have my headache but I can still function. My daughter wanted me to draw with her and I had a fun idea. We took a bunch of papers, stapled them together, and I told her let’s make a book. We each took turns adding to the story. She started off the story with three girls playing, I added the second page with the three girls playing on the swings. My daughter loves to draw and make stories, so I thought this would be fun, she loved it. I don’t do enough of this kind of activities with her, and I’m planning on doing a lot of them this summer.

We have a party later today at 6pm. Our friends are moving away, so we’re having a going away party for them at the base pool. We’re already sunburnt from the other day, so I’m not sure if I’ll be swimming. I think we’ll just be lazy at home until the party, plus hubby is already falling asleep on the couch.

11:30am: Put baby in the carrier and went walking on the treadmill while I watched Orange is the New Black. Baby slept the entire time and woke up when I was done. Typical. We had ordered lunch from Popeyes delivery an hour earlier so it finally came shortly after I was done working out. Ate lunch, washed dishes, and now  breastfeeding baby. I’m hoping she naps because I’m tired. Nap time for mommy too. 

We finished our family book. It was actually pretty fun. The story ended up being about three girls having fun at the park, having sleepovers, and going to the beach. 

   
    

Motherhood in a Month: June 12th

Damn, I didn’t finish yesterday’s post again. It was a very eventful day, and when night came, I was tired. I’ll post some of yesterday’s pics in the end.

7:00am: Even though it is summer break and I don’t need to wake up to get my oldest ready for school, my baby woke up anyway. Sleeping in is always wishful thinking for me. My perfect morning consists of my husband watching both kids, and I’m sleeping in a totally different place where I can’t hear the kids; maybe in a hotel where I would use strictly for sleeping. If only.

I made my shakeology and coffee and was texting my mom and cousin and breastfeeding all at the same time. Multitasking at it’s best. We’re going home to Hawaii next month, so I’m planning days to see my family. My cousin is flying in the day before and I would love to see him since we’re both going to be home at the same time. Anyway, my baby fell asleep at the boob and I really needed to go to the bathroom, number 2. Put her down in her bed and rushed to the bathroom. About a few seconds into it, she wakes up crying. I tell my oldest to keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn’t fall out. I would remove the basinet off of the playpen, but my arms are too short to put her down to sleep if it’s not there. But yet, she can stand on her own, so I’m always running as soon as I hear her wake up. So I had a super fast bathroom break, and as soon as I enter the room, she stops crying. I can never stay annoyed my babies. When I see that I have such an affect on them, my heart does a funny thing. I picked her up and just hugged and kissed her. I love my babies.

It’s 8:34am now and we’re just pretty much hanging out. My oldest has a dental appointment at 1pm, so we’re just being lazy bums until then. Baby is chewing on her toys, and the other one is drawing. Ah, I love summer break.

Went to my daughter’s dental appointment at 1pm. Everything is all good except one thing, which according to the doc, we can take care of after our vacation. We went to the exchange afterwards. I told her she could get something since she was so good during her appointment. She got fingerprint. I got two tank tops, which were on sale! Headed over to the commissary to get things for dinner. Then went to the shoppette because I want to try recreate Chili’s tropical sunrise margarita. Hopefully turns out good. 

Made dinner, folded laundry and now breastfeeding baby. She had a fever so we gave her medicine. She’s acting fussy but hope it goes away. 

Here’s some pictures from yesterday’s beach day.

Motherhood in a Month: June 11th

7:00am: Alarm goes off but I was kind of already awake. Baby girl had a horrible night, which means so did I. Maybe because she’s teething?? I really don’t know why anymore. All I know is that exhausted. Couldn’t sleep though, today is my daughters last day of kindergarten. They have a half day today and I’m taking her to the beach after, so I’m using the time that she’s gone to make snacks. 

  
I realized I didn’t finish yesterday’s post. My day finished like any typical day. 

I fried up the spam for musubis around 8am. Now I’m just letting them cool off before I make them. Plus I’m breastfeeding baby girl in hopes that she’ll take her morning nap so I can pack up for the beach. I had her in the carrier as I finished up the spam and washed dishes but things are always better without a 17 pound person on you. 

Will upload beach pics later! 

Motherhood in a Month: June 9th

6:45am: Baby woke me up. Took her I the living room where my oldest daughter and hubby were. I still felt sleepy so thank goodness my daughter played with her while I napped a bit. My alarm finally went off around 7, and I had to get up. My daughter is one of the star students this week, so she gets to have lunch with the teacher. Which means I need to pack her lunch. She just wanted fried rice with bacon. I made her that and in another container I put some tangerines, crackers, and mochi crunch. 

Baby was screaming the whole time I was making the packed lunch. When I was done I made my shake, coffee, then finally did my morning pee. I figured she was crying anyway might as well get everything done. 

  
Ugh. Morning didn’t start out like I wanted it to. I just hope this doesn’t reflect the way the rear of my day will be. 

10:50am: Baby has been sleeping since 9am. I was able to do a 45 minute cardio workout, plus 4 sets of push-ups and 4 sets of abs. Thank goodness my day so far wasn’t all that bad. I need to go to the post office, ATM to take out money for my daughter’s hula tuition, and commissary, so I’m just waiting for baby girl to wake up. I love mornings when I can get my workout over with. 

Around 11:30am I went to the post office to get a box my dad sent, then went commissary to get things for dinner. Went home, ate lunch, then around 1pm took a nap with the baby. I had my alarm for 2 but I woke up five minutes beside because I had to pee so bad. Woke up the baby, peed, then got ready to pick up my daughter from school. 

3:15pm: started dinner earlier because my daughter had hula practice and I wanted to cook before we left. 

4:30pm: left for hula. Baby was good and everybody took turns carrying her. She cried with some and was good with the rest. I fed her and she passed out. 

  
Got home around 7pm, ate dinner, showered, and watched the second episode of Extreme Weight Loss. I’m feeding the baby in hopes that she sleeps soon so I can go to bed.