Status of my Application: A SAHM’s Journey to a Job

It’s been almost two weeks since I submitted my application online. Read my previous post of the job fair and how I met these people from the hospital. She told me to apply and to email her if I didn’t hear back from anyone. I was unsure of how long I should wait. My husband didn’t even have a clue either. He’s been in the military for so long, we both didn’t know how this works. I figure a week and a half is more than enough. Enough time to show them that I’m not nagging and enough time to show them that I’m still super interested.

So I emailed one of the ladies that I had met at the job fair and thankfully she responded.

So now I wait. My heart is thumping hard, my tummy has butterflies, and my emotions are all over the place. I’m excited to finally do something for myself and help contribute to our family. On the other hand, I’m worried to put my youngest in day care. She has a late birthday so she didn’t make the cut to attend preschool here. I’m just leaving all of this in God’s hand and pray for the best.

Motherhood in a Month: June 12th

Damn, I didn’t finish yesterday’s post again. It was a very eventful day, and when night came, I was tired. I’ll post some of yesterday’s pics in the end.

7:00am: Even though it is summer break and I don’t need to wake up to get my oldest ready for school, my baby woke up anyway. Sleeping in is always wishful thinking for me. My perfect morning consists of my husband watching both kids, and I’m sleeping in a totally different place where I can’t hear the kids; maybe in a hotel where I would use strictly for sleeping. If only.

I made my shakeology and coffee and was texting my mom and cousin and breastfeeding all at the same time. Multitasking at it’s best. We’re going home to Hawaii next month, so I’m planning days to see my family. My cousin is flying in the day before and I would love to see him since we’re both going to be home at the same time. Anyway, my baby fell asleep at the boob and I really needed to go to the bathroom, number 2. Put her down in her bed and rushed to the bathroom. About a few seconds into it, she wakes up crying. I tell my oldest to keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn’t fall out. I would remove the basinet off of the playpen, but my arms are too short to put her down to sleep if it’s not there. But yet, she can stand on her own, so I’m always running as soon as I hear her wake up. So I had a super fast bathroom break, and as soon as I enter the room, she stops crying. I can never stay annoyed my babies. When I see that I have such an affect on them, my heart does a funny thing. I picked her up and just hugged and kissed her. I love my babies.

It’s 8:34am now and we’re just pretty much hanging out. My oldest has a dental appointment at 1pm, so we’re just being lazy bums until then. Baby is chewing on her toys, and the other one is drawing. Ah, I love summer break.

Went to my daughter’s dental appointment at 1pm. Everything is all good except one thing, which according to the doc, we can take care of after our vacation. We went to the exchange afterwards. I told her she could get something since she was so good during her appointment. She got fingerprint. I got two tank tops, which were on sale! Headed over to the commissary to get things for dinner. Then went to the shoppette because I want to try recreate Chili’s tropical sunrise margarita. Hopefully turns out good. 

Made dinner, folded laundry and now breastfeeding baby. She had a fever so we gave her medicine. She’s acting fussy but hope it goes away. 

Here’s some pictures from yesterday’s beach day.

Motherhood in a Month: June 10th

7:00: alarm goes off. No time to lounge around. Hubby and I have an appointment at 9am, and it takes a while to get both myself and the baby ready. Plus, I need to breastfeed her before we go.

7:15am: My oldest watches the baby while I brush my teeth. I just started brushing and baby starts crying. I bring her in the bathroom, sit her in the bumbo and finish. Do my face, brush my hair, and take the baby with me in the room so I can change. She starts screaming in the playpen. I’m done, the I remember I still need to print out a document for the appointment. I’m trying to do that while baby is screaming and trying to climb all over me. I thought I was going to snap. There I am, breastfeeding with one arm, and the other arm is trying to find the document on my computer. Internet is off. So I turn on my personal hot spot on my phone. Find the document, and send to my husband so he can print at work.

Now I’m waiting for my husband to come get me. Baby is annoying me. I just hope she gets better later. I have to read to my daughters class at 12:20pm, then go to her awards ceremony at 2pm. I can’t wait until school is out for summer. I’m exhausted.

Ok so the day ended up not being all that bad. Baby was good during our appointment. I went to my daughter’s school to read two books and that went well too. Went home, watched some Fifty Shades of Grey, then went back to the school for my daughter’s kindergarten awards. She got awards for being a great writer, always being colorful, and for always having great work and ideas. I’m so proud of her.

She’s now at a friend’s house, baby is sleeping, and I’m watching Wolf of Wallstreet. Haha, I always watch these rated R movies when the kids are busy. I’m about to cook some pork chops and potatoes so I can get it done before I need to pick up my daughter. Let’s hope the rest of my day goes by smoothly.

The Imperfect Mother

I never ever talked about my fails and faults with my first daughter, and I had a lot! I was a first time mother, I was struggling on dealing with the crying, the lack of sleep, and the lack of free time to myself. But I never admitted that I had many breakdowns.

Now, with my second daughter, I find myself a lot more open. The more I talk about my problems as a mother to other mommies, the more I realize that I’m not the only one struggling. You can be a first time mom, or you could have 7 kids, being a parent is hard. Yes, it’s the most rewarding and most gratifying thing in life, but nothing comes easy.

I’m a stay at home mom. Ever since my first daughter was born, I always felt like I had something to prove. I felt like I needed to prove that being a stay at home parent is hard work and a very busy life. It is, but I felt like I needed to show it. Now I have my second daughter, and I think that way of thinking has followed me.

I visited home last month. I traveled with two kids without my husband. It was hard traveling with them alone without my husband to help, but I limited my vents and complaints, because I kept thinking there are parents with more kids than I have who travel alone, so I kept my feelings to myself. I flew back and I immediately jump back into routine; my stay at home mom routine. Oldest in school, exercise, try to sleep, try to deal with a clingy baby, help the oldest with her homework while the baby is crying for attention, oldest complaining that I have no time for her. I’m so exhausted at the end of the day, and the last thing on my mind is what to cook for dinner. But yet I feel like it’s my job. I feel like since my husband was at work all day that he shouldn’t need to come home and cook too.

I struggle and struggle and hold everything in, which isn’t good, because eventually everything will explode. I exploded one day, and was taking out my frustrations on my oldest daughter. I began name-calling her, and when my husband told me to stop, I freaked out, and locked myself in my room and cried. I didn’t even know the exact reason why I was crying. I was tired, physically and emotionally drained, the baby crying was hitting a nerve, and my oldest daughter’s whinny voice was hurting my ears. I was annoyed for sure, but I couldn’t believe I resulted to name-calling my daughter. It was so childish, but that’s how fed up I felt. My frustrations turned me into a child.

I texted my mom with my eyes full of tears. I cried even more when she told me that I don’t need to be perfect all the time. She said the stress got to me and that my kids are so innocent and they don’t know that they are annoying me. She assured me that I’m a good mother, and when I’m done with my breather, go out and tell my family sorry and that I was just stressed out. Honestly, I didn’t even talk about it fully, because I was so embarrassed. All I told my husband when he asked me if I was ok, was that I was stressed out. I didn’t even explain the whole story to him.

Now, tonight, he is out with friends. I understand it’s a going away party for someone, but I was annoyed. I was up all night with the baby. I was basically a zombie at my oldest daughter’s birthday party today. We get home, and HE is the one that takes a nap, while I stay up with the kids. I felt like he shouldn’t be the one that was tired. Then he asks if he can go out and have fun with friends. The only time I had to myself was when I got my hair cut, and that was the first time in almost 5 months. I’m tired. I’m always tired, but I fight back the tears, because I feel like it’s my job to be strong. It’s my job to get no sleep. it’s my job to stay home while he goes out with friends. It’s my job.

It’s almost midnight, and my two daughters are sleeping. I should get sleep, but I feel like this is the only time I can do something that I want to do. All day long, the baby was attached to me. She cried whenever I put her down. It’s like I forget how my life was before this. I love my daughters with my life, and I wouldn’t change any of this, but sometimes I wish people would notice just how much work I put into being a mother. If they do see it, then maybe just a “good job” would be nice, or maybe even a “hey, you deserve a day off, go enjoy some coffee by yourself.” I want my husband to say it, I want him to plan it for me, I want him to treat me without me asking him. I want to feel appreciated. I know he appreciates me, just sometimes I want to hear it.

I always feel like I’m the only mom going feeling this way, which is why I never talk about it. I’m not the most perfect mother, and I’m always tired, often fighting back tears.

Motherhood in a Month: Day 21-23

**About Motherhood in a Month: I’m going to post every day for a month about what I go through as a mommy. For other posts click on Category: Motherhood in a Month** 

Damn skipped a few days again. Let’s try to summarize and just mention the important parts. 

Saturday, I went to the beach with my sister. It was my youngest’s first time, so I was pretty excited. We stopped at the store, got some sun block, water, juice, and a tube for my oldest. When we got there, we immediately applied the sunblock and jumped in the water. I wish I had my gopro because she loved the water. She was kicking and moving her arms as if she really was swimming! It was adorable! 

   

       

Sunday, we went out with my mother in law. Stopped by to see some family, then went shopping. She ended up spending a ton of money on the girls. It was crazy, but I was grateful. I had to ask my uncle if I could borrow his suitcase, because I had no room for all their new clothes and gifts. 

   

My youngest made 4 months on this day as well. Time is flying!!!

 

 

Today, we had a busy day. First up, lunch with a friend. I was friends with her since we were in the 7th grade. We’re 31 now, and it’s crazy that we still keep in touch. Then, spent a few hours at home, and had dinner with another friend from high school. She brought along her 3 year old daughter, and although my daughter is 5, they still got along. Actually, they were pretty crazy together. The waiter probably was annoyed that he had to clean up a mess when we left. Busy but fun day. 

   

     

Motherhood in a Month: Day 5

**About Motherhood in a Month: I’m going to post every day for a month about what I go through as a mommy. For other posts click on Category: Motherhood in a Month** 

The day isn’t over yet, but I figure I get a head start on it since we’re traveling today into a different time zone.

 It’s only 1130am here and I already done so much! Finished packing, including baby’s pack n’ play. Bathed both daughters. Put baby down for a nap and jumped in the shower as well. Put on my face. Yes, I know I’m just going on the plane, but ever since I gave birth I don’t go anywhere, and I just felt like looking decent instead of a  mommy of a mess. 

The frustration I had today was that after I showered and got all fresh, I started sweating trying to finish up packing and getting my girls ready. The cherry on top was when I was trying to braid my oldest daughter’s hair and my youngest was screaming in the bumbo. 



No matter how loud and cheery I sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, she kept on crying her eyes out. I still managed to get a decent French braid on my oldest. With a few bumps here and there and the line was crooked, but with the sweating going on, I really didn’t care to fix it. 



Well I’ll try and update when we land – if we even get on. 

Update: flight canceled…again! I’m so frustrated but whatever. We’ll try again tomorrow. 

The Selfish Mom

Last night, I broke down. I was sitting on my bed, in the dark, breastfeeding my daughter. I started crying, but quietly so my husband wouldn’t hear me. I don’t even know what happened. My daughter stayed up later than her usual bedtime, I was trying to put her down to sleep, and everything that has been on my mind just came flowing all at the same time.

When I had my first daughter, I breastfed her until she was 9 months old. I felt absolutely horrible for feeling like I didn’t have a life, and here I am feeling the exact same way. Feeling like I won’t have time for myself. Feeling like my husband loves that he doesn’t have to do anything, because I’m breastfeeding, so all he has to do is watch her when I shower, and even then it seems like it’s a burden to him. I hate asking him for help because I feel like I’m being unreasonable. He works all day, and I’m the stay-at-home mom. It’s MY job to take care of the kids, not his.

Is it unreasonable for me to feel like I need “me time”. Am I being selfish?

She won’t take the bottle. My husband once said that she screamed for 2 hours until she finally cried herself to sleep. The past few days I have been looking up bottles that are known to be great for breastfed babies. I mentioned it to my husband and he seemed uninterested, or like we didn’t need those bottles. I know there’s a possibility that it might be a waste of money, because she might not even take it, but I believe it’s worth a try.

It’s the little things that I want. I want to be able to go and do my nails, get a haircut, get my eyebrows threaded, or go play bingo with my friends without feeling worried if my husband is having a hard time with my daughter because she won’t eat, or she just wants mommy. The second I get out of the shower and get dressed, I ask if he wants me to take her and without hesitation he passes her over to me. I can’t even sit and watch TV without having my daughter with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my children with my life! I just think one can break down without having a little alone time. It’s like my daughter is a clothing accessory of mine. She’s always with me. I plan on what to wear knowing I’m going to have the ergo carrier on, and I need to wear something comfortable.

I feel like I’m a horrible mother for feeling this way. I feel like I shouldn’t want “me time”, and I should want spend every single minute of my days with her. I shouldn’t be thinking of myself. I am a selfish mom.

Balance

When I was pregnant with my second daughter, I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to give both my daughters equal amount of love and time. It started off great. My oldest understood when her little sister needed mommy, and I tried my best to keep up with her routine that we had before we had the baby. Such as morning routine where I would help get her ready and do her hair, and night routine where I would tuck her in and stay with her until she fell asleep.

Now, I think it’s getting to her. The other day, she said “You like her more than you like me”. I was angry at the time when she said that, because she wasn’t listening to me. I told her that she knows that I love them both equally and that the only reason why I was angry was because she wasn’t listening to me. I was upset that she was using that against me. However, when she started crying because she couldn’t sit next to me in the booth at a restaurant, I had to explain to her that I still love her and that I just needed the space to breastfeed the baby.

I think what’s making it worse, I hate to say it, is my husband. It does seem like he’s very short with my oldest, and she must see him all lovey dovey with her little sister. I think because he was a new dad with my oldest and was always stressed out and was still learning on how to deal with things. This time around, he’s more experienced, so he’s not as stressed. It doesn’t help that my oldest still prefers to be with me than with him so I know that upsets him. I just can’t win with those two. When my daughter wants to hang out with him, he doesn’t want to, then when he wants to hang out with her, she doesn’t want to. They both end up getting really upset.

Last night, my daughter was acting extra silly. She kept saying things and I had to repeatedly tell her NO. It wasn’t bothering me, but all of a sudden my husband snapped and yelled at her. She started crying, and I had to explain to her why he was mad. That’s his problem with her. He just yells and yells and never explains why he’s mad. That was me three years ago. I used to be a wild mom, and I realized how embarrassing that was for me. It made me look like an uncontrollable mom. So, I did some reading, even took a parenting class for college. It helped a lot. I still get upset and start yelling, but I explain why I was mad afterwards.

Anyways, sometimes I feel like I’m trying so hard to juggle and balance my love and time between my two daughters, not to mention try to give some to my husband, and there he is just freaking out and getting so upset with my oldest so fast. If an outsider came over to watch our family, he or she might suspect favoritism on his part.

Maybe I should talk to him about it? I just don’t want him to get upset. He’s a great father and I don’t want him to think otherwise.

Well better wrap this up. My daughter is going to wake up anytime soon. I put her down for her morning nap. This is the time of the day where I can relax with my coffee and blog or Facebook or whatever I want. Today, I decided to do laundry, change out the scentsy, and drink my coffee while I roam around the internet.